I’ve been very distracted the past several weeks.
I appear to have been permanently relocated to the other pen I frequently visited last year, and now that I’m here, I’ve got lots to keep me distracted. Mr. No Claws, who delightedly likes to pretend he’s a tenacious little brute, is still here and clawless. I will never get over that, and I will never stop making fun of him for it. That brain dead dog is still here too, but she’s not as brain dead as before. Maybe it’s the hair cut she got. Makes her look skinnier too, which is a freakin’ miracle.
Yes, I am being mean, and if you thought that changed since the last time I wrote you’re hilariously mistaken. I will say this, I appreciate the dog’s willingness to let me sleep in her bed, because sleeping on that bed is like sleeping on a pile of cables. Don’t think too hard about that simile, I sure didn’t. The dog is conveniently stupid, she doesn’t bother me, we’re getting along, let’s move on.
I also found my little fuzz ball the other day – I lose it every hour, so it’s a fantastic little surprise when I re-find – and I realized something was amiss; Tree Number Two. He used to throw the ball, which I would then run after and bring back to him. It was a charming little game we played, and for the longest time now he’s no where to be seen. I occasionally play this game with Tree One, but it was nice having both of them around. I miss that fellow. Even when I scratched him to the point where he was leaking blood across the floor, he still patted me on the head and played with me.
I think I’m going to try and keep up with these entries more often. There’s much to be pointed out. It mostly revolves around Mr. No Claws, did I mention he has no claws? I can’t believe how lucky I am.
Tree Two and I have been hanging out a lot more these past few days. Not sure where Tree One disappeared to, but I’m not worried, I’m sure she’ll be back shortly.
I make Tree Two play fetch with me pretty much all the time, and he doesn’t mind it when I don’t deliver the toy all the way to him. Well, he might not like it, but who cares about that. We play and it’s fun, that’s what matters.
I’m still reeling from the scheduled meals that are a part of my life now. I’ve tried to get around that by chasing the trees and biting them hard in the leg every time they leave the kitchen without feeding me. It definitely gets their attention, but rarely provides positive results. I’ll make them see the error in their ways, but hey, I’m not starving. That does count for a lot, so I can’t be too upset.
Tree Two takes these surprise attacks unusually well, and he’s actually been ready for them a lot recently. I have to increase the pain levels, or come up with a new idea altogether.
The battle to stay alive continues ever since scheduled meals entered my life.
Okay I’m obviously not doing that poorly, if anything I’ve slowly grown accustomed to it, even developed a strategy to ration each meal accordingly. Nevertheless, this bizarre move on the Trees’ part has had me go crazy many times over the past week. The Trees could easily prove this by showing the scars on their body.
I mentioned the strategy I now have when it comes to eating my food – how sad is that – and it mainly involves me eating the larger chunks of dry food first, the ones the Trees mix in with the regular stuff. There’s usually only four or five pieces of the big ones, but they’re a good start. Then I hold off on any food consumption for a solid few hours. I then eat a few nibbles every 30 minutes or so until it’s gone. If the trees don’t put more food into my bowl shortly after it runs out, I start biting and scratching things.
In happier news, I’ve successfully explored every inch of our pen. The last unexplored area, which eluded me all these months, was conquered after I climbed up their clothing in the small storage space it resided in. Once I reached the top, I was untouchable . Tree One even tried to spray me with the bottle, demanding me to come down. The water hardly touched me. I was parked perfectly at the top on a mountain of clothing. It was fascinating.
So the Trees have started to put a limit on how much I eat now. How infuriating.
No longer can I just go to my bowl and expect to see food 95 per cent of the time. No, they had to take that away, and now I eat in the morning, later in the afternoon, and late at night. I’m having none of this.
I just don’t understand why this had to happen. Is this because of the bites and scratches I inflict on the Trees? Turning my food into clockwork seems like an extreme countermeasure. It’s actually making me even more upset, and I’m sure they will soon realize they’re plan will not stop me from being crazy. I’ve pulled wires out of the wall, destroyed a section of the carpet, today I scratched Tree One sooo badly, and it’s not going to stop. Nope. It won’t. IT WON’T!
Scheduled meals are completely unnecessary! Even Tree Two, who I thought would be the one ignoring my scheduled eating nonsense, is following this STUPID timetable. Yesterday he was about to fill my bowl with food, and upon Tree One’s last second announcement declaring she had fed me an hour ago, he put the damn bag away and said, “sorry Ellie.” SORRY ELLIE?! You disappoint me Tree Two.
No, don’t be sorry, just feed me. Better yet, just have the bowl full at all times like you did before. What was wrong with that? There’s no way I would ever let myself go and become a monstrous fat wrecking ball. That would be interesting though; could I cause more destruction if I was bigger? Would it be harder for Tree One and Two to contain me? I need more food in my tummy to find out.
A lot more food in my tummy.
My lack of entries recently can be attributed to my latest quest: Discover new ways to infuriate Tree One and Two.
I went through an alarming phase where I was actually being good, foolishly thinking I needed a break from being yelled at. When I realized this was eating my soul, I immediately scoured our pen high and low, looking for anything new to use to my advantage.
In short time, the nest of wires in the one corner became my target. Chew them I did, and hilarity ensued, as Tree One yelled at me and flailed his arms around. The amusement grew to another level when I discovered the cables prevented him from reaching me if I sat far enough into the corner. As I sat there chewing cables and having a good time, I thought about how lucky I was. Seeing the amount of effort these Trees put into keeping me entertained, not to mention alive, is quite astounding. I don’t know where I would be without them.
I appreciate their efforts, and I reward them with cuddles. Any naughty behaviour on my part is forgiven with a few licks on the nose and a snuggle party here and there. Simple mind, simple pleasures.
The V.E.T. was blessed with my presence yet again. I’m not going to happy for a few days, however I have managed to get it off already, only to have someone put it back on. I look like a fool, but surprisingly I feel … pretty good. Kind of woozy and numb, very relaxed most of the time. I don’t understand it, but it certainly compensates for this ridiculous contraption on my head.
I. Hate. The V.E.T.
But I do love whatever they gave me.
I accidentally ripped a small piece of Mr. No Claws’ hair out yesterday, and I think he’s pretty mad at me as a result. We were playing around as usual, well I was kicking his grumpy hide all over the house is more like it, and then suddenly I realized I had a clump of fur stuck in between my teeth. I let go immediately, ran away and gave the grump some space, told him I was sorry too – sure as hell don’t do that very often – but he’s still quite upset at me, and we haven’t played a lot since.
I’ve had to find a new source of fun, and it involves swatting that stupid dog’s tail around. She doesn’t even notice I’m doing it half the time, and even when she does she’s either too nice to say anything or simply doesn’t care. I find myself sleeping next to her often, but I do it only because her bed is so comfortable, and because she doesn’t shoo me away. I think I can actually get used to her. I still hiss at her when she get’s too close to me, but the tail swatting, the naps next to her, they are charming little moments. She’s unnaturally kind however, and I need conflict if a friendship between us is to exist. My goodness, am I really thinking of befriending a dog? That would be an embarrassment, I can’t let that happen. Me batting her tail around is as far as I’ll let this relationship develop.
Now I must go and stare at an enormous bird that’s sitting outside.
I’ve had a hard time getting a hold of one of these warm machines lately, which I’ve learned are called computers. After hearing the Trees say the word “computer” every time I walked across its buttons, it became quite clear that’s what it was called. Now that we’ve moved back to the large pen, I’ve managed to use Tree One’s computer to once again jot down my thoughts and daily happenings.
These trips to the bigger pen are quite stressful. At first I’m tossed into a bag – which I have become quite good at escaping from – then placed into a bizarre box on wheels that travels incredibly fast, forcing me to lose my balance every few seconds. We finally arrive at our destination after two hours of this hectic, confusing adventure. It was nice seeing the cat with no claws again, he’s pretty fun to hang out with. Stupid dog is still there however. Bleh, I wish she wouldn’t look at me like she wants to be friends. Almost makes me feel sorry for the brute.
Then just when I thought I could settle down, torture Mr. No Claws and climb this magnificent tree that sits in the middle of the pen, I was once again whisked away to my least favourite place in all the world. It’s where I’m prodded, poked, examined in a very white room, only after I watch other helpless animals with the saddest faces I’ve ever seen, go through the same door I eventually go through to endure who knows what. It was the second time this particular trip was made since I was born.
The sharpest little needle managed to get the better of me this time around, despite my complaining and attempts at escape. The one who shoved the needle inside of me tried to do so while smiling, which made no sense because there’s nothing to smile about in these situations. I was really upset, thankfully Tree One who accompanied me – or I guess brought me to the damn place forcefully, I’ll have to bite her hard for that – wrapped me up in a blanket and finally took me home. I couldn’t help but give her kisses, I was just so happy to leave.
This place I’ve gone to twice now needs a name. It’s an evil place. The place of Very Evil Things. The V.E.T. Oh dear, I truly hate that place.
Tree One and Two each go under a stream of water on a regular basis, and it confuses me greatly because whenever I get sprayed with water it’s usually because I’m being punished. Are they punishing themselves during these scenarios? I often watch from a safe distance when they step under the water, but it still confuses me when it happens. Personally I would never do such a thing, the water they squirt in my face is enough – I like water, but I have my limits – so I make sure to give them their space during these instances, and avoid biting them for a while until I think they’ve completed their bizarre ritual for the day. If they’re cleaning themselves, why don’t they just lick the parts they need clean? That’s what I do and it works just fine. In fact, I lick them from time to time to show them how it’s done but they haven’t caught on yet.
I’ve been biting Tree One more frequently – Tree Two doesn’t seem to care as much when I bite him so I don’t bother sometimes – while knocking things off of the table, and just being a nuisance at all times. The urge to frustrate the two still rages on inside of me. I hope they understand that despite my efforts to anger them, I appreciate the food they provide me, alongside the pen in which I currently reside in. I simply can’t help causing trouble, their reactions are worth it. They are obviously so much more powerful than I am, and watching them express their feelings through a pathetic spray bottle and an occasional finger wag is hilarious.
Ahhh moon chair, how I’ve missed you. Come to me.